There are a few reasons I’ve come to accept hatred as the end product of what was once an important and all-consuming relationship.
Despite my blasé and condescending writing voice, I continue to care deeply about this ex and this hatred is something I’ve spent a long time coming to terms with.
This article is a result of that introspection (and unfortunately also a way of re-igniting it).
1. Hatred Is Love
Hatred is the thin layer of varnish that coats an old, decaying painting. It is easily cracked with a sprinkling of thought.
What I’ve come to tell myself is that this hatred is a significant emotional investment. The kind of draining and intense connection you don’t keep on life support unless you continue to care deeply.
Now indifference is something that would be far harder to digest. There’s the true opposite of love. While hatred is an outpouring of indignation stemming from raw feeling, indifference is the complete severing of emotion. And that would be something that burns a thousand times brighter than the sun that is my ex’s hatred.
If hatred is love then I am adored. And for that I’m thankful.
2. It Helps Me Move On
There’s nothing like a dose of tightly wound and accurately aimed hatred to remind you what your priorities are, not to mention your options.
Which is to say, I have no options.
It might not help me let go. It’s not exactly closure. But it does help me move on and keep a watchful eye out for other romantic opportunities.
3. It Means They Haven’t Moved On Either
It isn’t a particularly noble or redeeming thought, but the idea that my ex is still struggling with moving on means I can justify my own emotional back and forth. Not to anyone else, mind you, but to myself. Just confessing this semi-anonymously online makes me feel rotten.
So yes, we may be apart, but in pain we are once again united.
4. I Get To Feel Like I’m Right
It doesn’t matter how right you are, the moment you start shouting at me I get to claim the high ground.
An ex’s hatred is the vehicle through which I camouflage my irresponsibility by hiding behind theirs.
This newfound martyrdom will warm me as I engage in conversations with my ex that never happened, nor will ever happen. In my mind, at least, I am almost always right.
5. I get To Feel Sorry For Myself
I’m becoming progressively aware that the picture I’m painting of myself is not flattering. Hopefully, I get some points for honesty.
Feeling sorry for myself is not something I typically engage in, but in building on point number 4, shrouding myself in a metaphorical comfort blanket takes the edge off of my guilt.
Despite being an integral part of the demise of the relationship, my ex’s hatred is the excuse I need to feel like we’re both equally guilty and that her madness justifies mine.
On top of all this, comfort blankets, even make-believe ones, are a great way to pass a Sunday morning.
6. I Forge New Alliances
I don’t know what it is about my breakups, but all kinds of people who relate both to myself and my ex like to form ranks and alliances.
Friends and family, but also acquaintances and complete strangers. All join the fray in a chance to soak up some of that juicy gossip and drama.
This is a great chance to forge makeshift alliances and explore new social circles. For instance, in the face of my ex’s anger, all those she wronged before me crawl out of the woodwork to extend a solemn “told you so!”.
Breakups are also a great way to get out and meet new people, mostly because you have no choice in the matter.
7. I Explore New Worlds
Hatred will push me away… and onto other pastures. I don’t mean this romantically, I’m not a fan of rebound relationships, I mean this in a social sense.
I am quite socially conservative and withdrawn. Any excuse to break my comfort zone (my ex beat me to it this time) is objectively a good thing. There’s no time like a breakup to dust off those dancing shoes and scour the Internet for a Planet Fitness discount.
8. I Take My Ex Off The Pedestal
Hatred isn’t attractive unless you’re just mildly annoyed in which case breakup sex truly is a gift.
Hatred isn’t impressive either. It’s too far down the spectrum for that. And that’s great because the last thing I need to do right now is deify my ex.
Down comes the statue, and with it, a great deal of emotional and existential insecurity. No, you weren’t the one, and yes, I can make it out of this. Please keep shouting.
9. I Earn The Respect Of My Peers
They’ve been telling me for years this relationship wasn’t what I needed. Turns out they were right, but not for the reasons they surmised. It’s more like driving down a one-way street and I’m not the one driving.
The fact that my ex is screaming at me, to my but merry but oblivious friends, is the long-awaited sign I’m finally standing my ground and not letting her walk all over me. What they don’t know is that this isn’t my ex reacting to me flexing my personal boundaries, it is a lot more childish than that. I am a lot more childish than that.
There’s nothing inherently impressive about inciting my ex’s anger, but I’ll take whatever support I can get. So I’ll keep my flapper sealed and roll with it.
10. I Can Take My Life Back Without Remorse
If the end-goal of hatred is keeping a connection alive (because love isn’t cutting it and indifference is out of the question), then I have to say that all this connection is really doing is reminding me that I could, and should, be moving on without slathering guilt all over myself.
This point is an amalgamation of all my other points mixed into a single illogical and potentially toxic cocktail.
At this point in my breakup, my ex’s hatred is my accelerant. It is my emotional flint and tinder. Given how much pain this thin coat of humor hides, this anger of hers is a literal Godsend. And I hope that by reading this it can be yours too. Even if you haven’t broken up recently.
So, in short, to my ex, please keep it up.